Wrapping up October with a story about fences, neighbors, and (of course) Halloween.
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: That infernal racket
Madam,
I don’t know what possesses you to conduct your experiments at three o’clock in the morning, but on behalf of all our neighbors, I’m begging you to stop immediately.
The solar panels, unsightly as they are, at least provide a function. I concede that the Rube Goldberg machine is educational.
This latest contraption of yours? What, pray tell, is its purpose? Other than to shake my house to its very foundation, I see no reason for its existence. I can’t begin to fathom what you’re doing or what your electricity bill must be.
For the sake of the neighborhood, I implore you to cease at once.
Alistair Payne
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Re: That infernal racket
Sir,
What possesses you to be skulking around after dark? I nearly dialed 911 the other night, thinking a prowler was about.
If you must know, I conduct my experiments in the wee hours as a courtesy to the neighborhood, as to not cause a brownout during the summer months. Besides, the Rileys have never complained.
Doctor Emilia Brandenburg
P.S. My electricity bill is none of your business.
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: H.H.A. Board of Directors
Subject: Meet your new president!
It’s with great pleasure that I announce the results of last week’s election. Wanda Waverly will serve as the Hemlock Homeowners Association’s president effective immediately.
Although a new resident, as owner/manager of the Pick-n-Quick chain of convenience stores, Wanda brings her business acumen to the position of president. We are pleased she has decided to not only call our little community home but has stepped up to serve as well.
Daniel Brown, Esq.
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: That infernal racket
Doctor Brandenburg,
The Rileys are far too polite to lodge any sort of complaint. I shall take this to the board and the new president. See if I don’t.
Alistair Payne
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: That ghastly eyesore
Really, Doctor? A fence?
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Re: That ghastly eyesore
Sir,
My cedar fence is lovely, board-approved, and offers adequate privacy for both parties. Of course, this assumes that one party does not skulk about during the witching hour with his ear pressed against the slats.
Speaking of eyesores, tell me, please, how long that cauldron has been moldering on your front lawn. A few flakes found their way into my yard, and I conducted several tests. My estimate is at least fifty years.
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: Wanda Waverly
Subject: Bylaws
To clarify some points brought up in last night’s association meeting:
- All structures, temporary or permanent, must not exceed the dimensions outlined in appendix D of the H.H.A. bylaws.
- Lawn ornaments are limited to three, must be no taller than two feet, and considered generally tasteful.
Wanda Waverly
President, Hemlock Homeowners Association
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: You win
Sir,
I cannot believe you are so petty as to lodge a complaint against my fence. If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect you of some sort of witchcraft. I measured the boards myself, and I know they were in compliance with the bylaws.
But down it goes until next spring.
E. Brandenburg
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Good riddance
Dear Doctor,
It is hardly my fault if you cannot competently wield a ruler.
A.P.
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Good fences
Sir,
I always thought Frost was being ironic when he wrote good fences make good neighbors.
Now I know better.
E. Brandenburg
P.S. Your animosity toward me is one thing, but the Riley’s play structure as well? Shame, sir. Shame on you.
P.P.S. Don’t bother to respond. I’ve blocked your email, and any additional missives from you will go straight to spam.
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: Wanda Waverly
Subject: Halloween
To clarify some additional points from the previous association meeting:
- Due to safety concerns, the annual Halloween parade has been suspended indefinitely.
- Any structure erected for a holiday event needs approval, in writing, from the H.H.A. board ninety days in advance.
- All items handed out for trick-or-treat must be wrapped and sealed. The Pick-n-Quick outside the main gate is offering H.H.A. members a 5% discount on all candy.
Wanda Waverly
President, Hemlock Homeowners Association
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Wrapped treats
Mr. Payne,
I left some cellophane wrappers on your front porch. I constructed them based on the treats you distributed after last year’s Halloween parade. I think you will find that they will provide adequate coverage and pass muster with the board.
Yours,
Emilia Brandenburg
P.S. The eldest Riley child, Alyssa, works as my apprentice, as you may already know. She’s informed me that contrary to my earlier accusation, you have toiled to … modify the Riley’s play structure so it conforms to the bylaws.
I’m not sure how you accomplished this. My own tools are finely calibrated, and certainly, the inspector for the H.H.A. possesses adequate ones. No need to tell me. The squeals and laughter from the Riley’s backyard are all I need to hear.
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: Wrapped treats
Doctor Brandenburg,
Let me extend my gratitude for the wrappers. While they caused a few raised eyebrows (I thought our esteemed president’s would vanish into her hairline), my treats were—undeniably—wrapped and sealed.
And thus, Halloween—along with the Riley’s play structure—was salvaged, at least somewhat.
Yours,
Alistair Payne
P.S. I could explain how the glamour on the play structure works, but that would defeat its purpose.
P.S.S I sorely missed your yearly light show.
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Halloween
Mr. Payne,
Well, yes, everyone loves a Tesla coil—or nearly everyone. I find myself nostalgic for previous Halloweens—the parade, the costumes, the children’s cries of delight when you unveil the gingerbread house. I don’t see the point in denying them all that.
I must confess that this year simply didn’t feel like Halloween.
True, my sugar skeletons always pale in comparison to your gingerbread people. I suspect the adults only take my treatises out of pity (and no one thinks “trick or treatise” as amusing as I do). Of course, everyone leaves before the anatomy lecture.
And yet, I’ve come to rely on Halloween, along with the Hemlock block party, as a way to interact with my neighbors. This year’s curtailed celebration has hit me harder than I care to admit.
Yours,
Emilia Brandenburg
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: Halloween
My dear Doctor,
I wish to assuage your melancholy. Trust that I have lived enough years to see more than my fair share of petty tyrants. I predict this Wanda Waverly will move on in due course to terrorize yet another homeowners association.
In the meantime, I will spend the winter working with the beautification committee and planning next spring’s gardens. They will be spectacular.
Yours,
Alistair Payne
P.S. Trick or treatise is beyond charming. If I promise no tricks, may I read one of your treatises?
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: the gardens
Dear Mr. Payne,
Botany has never been my forte, but I eagerly await the coming spring’s glory that is your garden. How you outdo yourself every year, I simply cannot fathom. The Hemlock Community entryway is the envy of all.
I do, however, have some thoughts on streamlining the irrigation system. Please refer to the schematics in the attached PDF.
Yours truly,
Emilia
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: Wanda Waverly
Subject: Spring has sprung!
Can you believe winter is finally over? Whew! That was a long one.
In anticipation of spring and all it brings, I would like to announce the following changes, effective immediately:
The beautification committee has been disbanded. Instead, H.H.A. has hired a landscaping company that will take over the planting and care of the foliage around the community’s entryway and main gate.
Regarding the main gate, H.H.A. has contracted with a security company for the front entrance. The gate will be locked at midnight every evening and unlocked at six in the morning.
Happy spring, everyone!
Wanda Waverly
President, Hemlock Homeowners Association
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: Wanda Waverly
Subject: The Main Gate
It has come to the board’s attention that locking the main gate between the hours of midnight and six a.m. has put undue hardship on some residents of Hemlock Community.
Rest assured, we only had your safety in mind when we implemented these rules. Our aim was to keep out any undesirables that might threaten the residents.
That being said, this is no excuse for deliberate sabotage! When the perpetrator is found, justice will be swift.
The board can (and will!) revoke membership in the H.H.A. Without membership, the perpetrator can no longer live in Hemlock Community. Further, the board can (and will!) foreclose on the perpetrator’s house and subsequently evict him or her. See paragraph four, sub-paragraph three in the bylaws.
In the meantime, to pay for a security upgrade to the main gate, including keycards for all residents, we will use the funds earmarked for the annual block party.
Wanda Waverly
President, Hemlock Homeowners Association
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: last night’s meeting
Alistair,
I thought my heart would burst from my chest during last night’s meeting.
Would they have poor Mrs. Riley wait outside the gate for hours on end? I simply let her inside the development. That’s hardly a crime. And yet, I’m certain this Waverly woman suspects it was me.
Granted, everyone who’s about during the later hours knows that Mrs. Riley and I often share conversation over a cup of tea when she returns from her shift.
Although, really, even with the upgrade, this new security system is laughable. It’s not keeping anyone out, although I suspect it’s keeping many of us in.
Of course, with a little rewiring … nothing a child of five couldn’t do … except for rigging the system to play The Imperial March whenever Wanda Waverly drives through the main gate.
Now, in the light of day, I concede that may have been taking things too far.
And yet, I find that I can’t regret it, either.
Yours,
Em
P.S. The Imperial March is from a movie called Star Wars. I’ve included a link to an article about it on Wikipedia.
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: last night’s meeting
Emilia,
Taking things too far? Not nearly far enough. I’ve been offering the landscaping company my expertise, gratis of course. Not that they’ve taken any of my advice. The poor hydrangeas; they may never recover.
Ah, but they’re a loquacious crew, and I’ve unearthed an interesting fact. The owner of this company is Wanda Waverly’s daughter.
What a strange, petty nepotism this is.
Alistair
P.S. You have me pegged. My ignorance of current cultural phenomena provides the Riley children with endless hours of amusement. I no doubt will provide this same service to their grandchildren.
I do, however, have a passing familiarity with Star Wars. The franchise appears to have a number of vocal and passionate devotees.
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: That hideous sign in your front yard
Emilia,
I could not believe the sight that greeted my eyes upon waking this morning.
A For Sale sign? I’m not certain what’s worse—the garish design or how the support appears to impale your front yard.
Tell me all that’s the matter. Certainly, things aren’t so dire as this?
Alistair
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Re: That hideous sign in your front yard
Alistair,
Indeed things are that dire. Every time I step off my front porch, there she is, that Waverly woman, clipboard in hand.
In the last two weeks, I’ve received five citations. One more, and I forfeit my home. If I can’t find a buyer, the association can (and will!) foreclose on my house.
Beyond that, I suspect she, or the board, or someone is throttling the power supply into my house. I was conducting a delicate experiment in my third-floor laboratory the other day, one that needed a constant stream of electricity.
Suffice to say that I did not achieve that constant stream of electricity. Suffice to say I no longer have a functional third-floor laboratory—or eyebrows.
Worst of all? I was accosted last night. As you know, it’s my habit to stroll through the development in between experiments. It clears my head and refreshes me. But last night, a security guard curtailed my walk. He said I wasn’t allowed to stroll after midnight.
When did the development start employing roving security guards? Did I miss that announcement? Although he was, to use your own term, rather loquacious. Did you know that the owner of the security company is Wanda Waverly’s nephew?
In distress,
Em
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: The gloves come off
My dearest Emilia,
As I’ve mentioned, I’ve weathered my fair share of petty tyrants. Remind me to tell you how I thrice defeated eminent domain claims on this particular plot of land. The Payne residence remains, as it has for … let’s say, decades.
I cannot abide by this treatment of my friends and neighbors. I’m uncertain of what I shall do, but trust me, dear Doctor, I will do something.
Alistair
P.S. Your estimate about the cauldron is correct, or nearly so. It’s been there for a good sixty years. It’s a stubborn thing, and I cannot convince it to move. That it just barely meets the prescribed dimensions for lawn ornamentation no doubt vexes Wanda Waverly greatly.
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Re: The gloves come off
My dear Alistair,
So which am I? A friend or merely a neighbor?
Em
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: The gloves come off
You, my dear Doctor, have the rare distinction of being both.
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Worried
My dear Alistair,
I do not like the look of that strange mist that surrounds your house. It feels malevolent to me. As unscientific as that sounds, I stand by that assessment.
I do not pretend to understand your craft. However, I know that any work created in the throes of anger will not have the desired outcome.
Yes, I know you witnessed this morning’s sixth citation. The entire neighborhood was privileged to witness that event. If you truly want to help, perhaps you could make my third-floor laboratory vanish. I’ll never find a buyer at this rate.
Please, my dear friend, I beg of you. Don’t do anything you may regret.
Em
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: The Emperor’s New Clothes
Dearest Em,
Have you read that fairy tale? I wouldn’t say our current association president is wandering around naked (certainly there’s a stipulation against that in the bylaws, but I digress). She does, however, have a few transparency issues.
I have an idea, one that does not involve my craft or your discipline. Are you willing to hear me out? I’ll meet you at our adjoining property line at the witching hour.
Yours,
Alistair
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Re: The Emperor’s New Clothes
Dearest Alistair,
I am still completely flabbergasted, even after sleeping on the idea.
Do you really think it will work? I cannot possibly be the best choice. After all, you’ve lived here longer than I have. You would hold more sway, would you not?
Em
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: The Emperor’s New Clothes
Dearest Em,
I have lived everywhere longer than you have. I am set in my ways, set in my craft. If you were to flip open one of those illustrated dictionaries, you would find my portrait next to the entry for curmudgeon. Were I not to get my way, I’d be tempted to conjure a few special apples or perhaps an unsightly pox.
You, on the other hand? With your keen mind and willingness to take in data, experiment, adjust your hypothesis based on new information? How you eagerly gather input and listen to those around you?
Why, yes, you are obviously the best choice for this endeavor.
I have every confidence in you.
Alistair
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Curmudgeon
This, from the man who handcrafts a life-size gingerbread house for the neighborhood children each Halloween? And then sends them home with pocketsful of treats?
Oh, yes, you are quite the curmudgeon.
Em
To: Alistair Payne
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Last night
Oh, my dearest Alistair, please tell me you did not employ your craft to sway last night’s outcome.
I can hardly believe it’s true. But if it is, I want it to be an honest prize.
Em
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Re: Last Night
My dear Doctor, you wound me. Do you think I would employ enchantment to obtain what I want?
Yes, yes, I might. Certainly, in the past, I have. In this case? Other than canvassing on your behalf and ensuring there was no subterfuge from any quarter, I performed no other tasks.
Alistair
P.S. Besides, I can hardly cook up an enchantment with my cauldron on my front lawn, can I now.
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: H.H.A. Board of Directors
Subject: Meet your new president!
It’s with great pleasure that I announce the results of last week’s election. Dr. Emilia Brandenburg will serve as the Hemlock Homeowners Association’s president effective immediately.
Emilia has made Hemlock her home for the past five years and has—quite literally—brightened the entire development. We look forward to her fresh ideas and vast experience in her new role as president.
Daniel Brown, Esq.
To: Members of the Hemlock Homeowners Association
From: Emilia Brandenburg
Subject: Bylaws and Halloween
Effective immediately:
- The annual Halloween parade will take place starting at 6:30 p.m. on the 31st. Everyone is invited to participate.
- The beautification committee will reform under the auspices of Mr. Alistair Payne in time to decorate the entryway and parade route. All volunteers are welcome.
- A belated block party and impromptu association meeting will take place in front of the gingerbread house at the end of the Halloween parade.
Emilia Brandenburg
President, Hemlock Homeowners Association
To: Emilia Brandenburg
From: Alistair Payne
Subject: Halloween
My dearest Em,
To assuage any doubt you might be feeling this morning: You were simply splendid in your new role, as I knew you would be.
You will make a fine president.
With all my admiration,
Alistair
P.S. Your Tesla coil was magnificent.
This is the second outing for my curmudgeon witch Alistair Payne. He first appeared in Letters of Smoke and Ash.
Writing Wrongs 